Toxic friends and the wedding

Toxic chemicals are hazardous to your health – and so are toxic friends.  They make everyday life difficult, how do you navigate a special event like a wedding? Let’s look at a few personality types, and strategize.

The Guilt Machine: She makes you feel bad whenever you see her.  You’re not spending enough time listening to her talk about her eternally doomed life.

The Plan:  tell her honestly you have a lot of obligations and need to be around positive energy.  Ask if she can understand your limited availability and see things more “glass half full” or you’ll need to step back for a while.

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Who wants a photo of toxic friends? How about a wedding bouquet instead!

 Envious & Evil:  He “doesn’t like your fiancé,” (= jealous of your committed relationship) so drops references to your wild nights out in Boystown in his presence.

The plan:  Again, honesty (see a theme?) Sit him down and spell it out. That behavior is not cute, and not worthy of a good friend.

Just plain clueless:  She wore an off white dress and a hat with a birdcage veil to your engagement party, and harassed you about all your vendor choices.

The plan: Delegate this one.  There’s probably a no-nonsense mutual friend that can artfully explain the transgressions, get her to apologize and keep her distance until after the wedding.

In the end it’s being honest with the people in our lives who are causing us pain that makes the biggest difference in our quality of life.  Your friend may not fit neatly into one of these descriptions, but nevertheless, get out there, be honest and make your wedding non-toxic!

My Little Flower Shop is the premier Palm Springs florist. We have been providing the finest flowers and event services for weddings, parties and delivery in the Desert Cities since 2010. 

 

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Coping When Neither The Candlesticks Nor The Happy Couple Dance With Joy At Your Being Their Guest

I posted recently about my hero, Lumiere the candlestick from ‘Beauty and the Beast’, who choreographs elaborate musical numbers to honor his guests. My point was that at its core, the point of party you’re throwing is celebrating with guests, if they are unhappy, something has gone wrong.

Alas, not all couples have gotten the memo.  Amy Dickinson, brilliant syndicated advice columnist and another (non-animated) hero of mine, addressed the issue of dealing with the fallout in her column today.  I repost her wise response to this worried MOB from the Toronto Sun.

Groomzilla plans wedding no one can attend

Amy Dickinson, Advice Guru My Little Flower Shop

Amy Dickinson, Advice Guru and a personal hero

 

   By ,QMI Agency

First posted: | Updated:

DEAR AMY: How can our family move forward from the mess of an overplanned, underattended wedding in Europe? The groom (in his mid-30s) has planned everything and excluded me, mother of the bride, from any of the plans. The bride’s siblings can’t afford (or can’t get vacation days from work) to attend.

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Involved grooms are a good thing – don’t overgeneralize!

Yesterday, the groom called our son and offered to fly him to Europe for the wedding but made no such offer for the bride’s sisters. Of 200 invited guests, only 40 are expected to attend — no aunts, uncles or cousins. As the bride’s parents, we gave a fixed sum of money for the wedding but now, due to the small gathering expected, the couple will be making money on the deal.

Yesterday, the groom announced that the one family friend who can attend is not invited to the rehearsal dinner, after traveling 6,000 miles. A destination wedding sounds, at first, like a good idea, but when the day nears, it feels exclusionary, hollow and pretentious. As the mother of the bride, I am filled with sadness.

The couple has been engaged for two years, and we feel so burdened by the build-up, the bad decisions, the exclusions, waste and self-centredness of this event. How do families recover from this? I can’t see these relationships ever going back to normal.

I love my daughter very much, but I believe the consequences of this wedding will be the unravelling of our family. Is there any hope? — Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You aptly describe the challenges when couples pour all of their attention into trying to create a fantasy day while causing real-world problems. Often these couples return home after their fantasy weddings seriously let down by the reality of marriage and family.

You and your husband should meet with the couple. Do not pile on and accuse them of creating a hollow and pretentious event, but do ask that they commit some of the money you contributed to helping family members attend the wedding.

Otherwise you should accept that this is not what you would have planned and not what you want (and perhaps not what the couple wants at this point, either). If your daughter is completely dominated by a “groomzilla” who is demanding and disrespectful, she is going to need your support moving forward. You may also have to accept that you and she have very different values.

Though this event might rend the fabric of your family, don’t make the mistake of assuming it will unravel.

The 4th of July Non-Weekend. Bad for Brides? Good for Guests? You decide.

Ah the calendar.  Tomorrow, the 4th of July falls on a WEDNESDAY for the first time in many years.  For those with office jobs whose vacation days are comparable to certain rare truffles in the food world, this is a big deal. There are calculations by which you can take only a few days off, and yet stretch your vacation and/or wedding weekend to five days, all with the aid of a well placed Monday or Friday out of the office.  Thanksgiving is the ultimate centerpiece to the art of stretching PTO: you can take a full seven days and only “spend” three.

But this year (darned Gregorians) Fourth of July isn’t participating.  And some are breathing a sigh of relief.  Hint: it’s not the brides.  People who might have attended weddings this holiday, are attending barbeques.  And parades.  And celebrating Independence Day well, independently.  There are many people who don’t want to have their summer plans set for them by receiving a “save the date” in February and being expected to clear their calendars.

As a bride, it’s hard to see outside the bubble where your wedding is the Most Important Thing In The World, but sometimes people have fun things scheduled at the same time or want to have that option.  And that’s OK. (Well your sister really ought to keep her schedule open, but let the rest of your list plan their own vacations, and lead their own lives. It’s not anybody’s fault, and there shouldn’t be any lasting drama or upset about who had something else going on that day ).

All thoughts running through my head on a summer’s day… enjoy your barbeques tomorrow.  And the weddings that are happening this weekend!  Remember, you can always have sparklers no matter what time of year it is*  And no matter who comes, or what the season, your wedding will light up with joy and memories for everyone.

Live well, and love well.

Dinah

 

* please check the fire regulations in your area and at your venue!